When Love Feels Like Too Much and Not Enough: The Anxious-Avoidant Cycle in Relationships

In every relationship, people bring their own histories, expectations,

and emotional needs, often shaped by their earliest experiences

with caregivers. Attachment theory helps us understand how those

needs play out in adult relationships, especially when two people

seem locked in a painful cycle of closeness and distance.

Susan and John are one such couple.

From the outside, they look like a perfect match: intelligent, funny,

both successful in their careers. But inside the relationship, it’s a

different story. They’re stuck in a frustrating and emotional loop, each

triggering the other without quite understanding why.

The Anxious Partner: Susan

Susan deeply craves connection and reassurance. She tells John she

loves him often - daily, sometimes hourly. She plans their future,

initiates long conversations about their feelings, and frequently asks

John things like, “Do you really love me?” or “Are you sure you’re not

going to leave?”

To her, this seems natural. Loving someone means showing it, saying

it, checking in. But underneath her behavior is a fear: that John might

not feel the same way, or that at any moment, he might pull away.

And often, he does.

The Avoidant Partner: John

John, by contrast, feels overwhelmed by Susan’s intensity. “Susan is

always love bombing me. It’s too much,” he says. He cares about her,

but when she leans in, he instinctively leans out. When she pushes for

a stronger commitment: living together, getting engaged - he feels

the urge to pull back.

It’s not that John doesn’t have feelings. It’s that intimacy, especially

when it feels emotionally demanding, makes him anxious in a different

way. He values independence and often needs space to feel like

himself.

The more Susan pushes, the more John distances. The more he

distances, the more Susan panics and tries to pull him closer.

And so the cycle continues.

What’s Going on Here?

This is a classic anxious-avoidant attachment dynamic. People with

an anxious attachment style (like Susan) tend to seek high levels of

intimacy and approval from their partners. They’re often

hypersensitive to signs of withdrawal or rejection.

On the other hand, people with an avoidant attachment style (like

John) often associate intimacy with loss of independence. They value

self-sufficiency, and emotional closeness can feel threatening or

smothering.

Together, they create a paradox:

• The more the anxious partner seeks closeness, the more the

  avoidant partner retreats.

• The more the avoidant partner retreats, the more the anxious

  partner panics and escalates their bids for connection.

Why This Cycle Is So Hard to Break

Both partners are reacting to fear, just different ones.

• Susan fears abandonment.

• John fears being engulfed or controlled.

They’re not trying to hurt each other, but their instinctive responses

keep clashing. What feels like love to Susan feels like pressure to

John. What feels like self-protection to John feels like rejection to

Susan.

Can It Work?

Yes, but only with awareness and effort on both sides. Healing an

anxious-avoidant dynamic often requires:

• Understanding each other’s triggers: Recognizing that your

  partner’s reactions aren’t about you being “too much” or “too

  cold,” but about their attachment history.

• Creating safety together: The avoidant partner needs to learn

  to tolerate more intimacy without fear of losing themselves. The

  anxious partner needs to build internal reassurance so they

  aren’t constantly looking for external validation.

• Slowing down the cycle: When things feel intense, each

  partner can pause, name the pattern, and come back to the

  moment with curiosity rather than blame.

Final Thoughts

Susan and John’s relationship isn’t doomed. In fact, their dynamic is

more common than they might realize. But without understanding the

push-pull nature of their attachment styles, they’ll keep mistaking each

other’s coping strategies for signs of incompatibility.

Love doesn’t have to feel like too much or not enough. With the right

insight and tools, couples like Susan and John can learn to meet in

the middle, where intimacy feels both safe and genuine.